this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
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“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth