This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
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What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING