Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings

Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.

Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.

It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.

Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅

agent: *getting tortured* do your worst

villain: why would i do that

agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough

villain: i’m always doing my best

agent: i know. you’re doing great

villain: thanks

*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*

Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?

*unsubscribes from newsletter*

*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*

*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*

The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.

OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.

*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice

I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks

If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.

Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell

I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.

-me to my barber

ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98

ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me

Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.

My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.

I started out with nothing and still have most of it!

Fact.

8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.

waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no

I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.

You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.

But God knows I’ve tried.

Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?

*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”

Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.

Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.

Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.

My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready

Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i always wear cargo shorts

professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry

me: oh here have a gatorade

professor x: thanks man