This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
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Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
I think we should hear other voices.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”