This is a bad idea on so many levels.

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When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.


My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.

Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?

My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.



The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago


Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.


There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.


me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
me: “Gap”


ME: *trying to highlight text*

WORD: and the last letter of previous word?

ME: no, why? just follow my cursor

WORD: ok so just half this word?

ME: the whole word


ME: wtf

WORD: oops

ME: the word is gone

WORD: the word is gone


For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair


Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name