@TheAlexNevil

This is a bad idea on so many levels.

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@GensPlace

When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.

@sweetmomissa

My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.

Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?

My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.

Me:

@PJTLynch

The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago

@primawesome

Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.

@leftarmisme

There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.

@iwearaonesie

me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”

@PleaseBeGneiss

ME: *trying to highlight text*

WORD: and the last letter of previous word?

ME: no, why? just follow my cursor

WORD: ok so just half this word?

ME: the whole word

WORD: k

ME: wtf

WORD: oops

ME: the word is gone

WORD: the word is gone

@dlicj

For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair

@

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name