When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
You Might Also Like
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name