This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
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Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
I never needed anything more in my life
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Festive toon…
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
I’m already scared
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head