This is a post about animal excrement and the English language.
bull$#!% = nonsense/lies
chicken$#!% = petty or cowardly
horse$#!% = nonsense/lies
dog$#!%= low quality
ape$#!% = wild
bat$#!%= crazyOrdered above from oldest to newest: bull$#!% (1914), bat$#!% (1971).
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My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
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Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
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BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*
*an hour later*
7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy