This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
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4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”