This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
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Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*