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excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
I hate my earbuds.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Mad Max: Furry Road
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.