@the1652s

“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.

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@SCbchbum

It’s called St. Valentine’s Day because St. Blowjob for Jewelry Day just didn’t have the same ring to it.

@STOTLE

Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention

@UncleDuke1969

Inspirational Tweet:

Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.

Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.

@hipchkk

If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.

@TitaniumToplass

I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.

The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.

@jonnysun

MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea

@samalmightysam

Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.

@ApocalypticLoFi

Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?

Dogs get it.

Next time, join in.

@DamnHiIarious

“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”

@ACartoonCat

❤Missed connection❤

You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card

I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes