“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
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The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Me, flirting😏
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”