This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
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I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
He’s dead
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.