This is a whole mood;
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Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Unimpressed
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?