This is always good for a laugh.
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Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
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I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind