@odannyboy

This is amazing.

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@BoomBoomBetty

This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.

@jjhartinger

Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.

@goldengateblond

The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.

@JasonLastname

If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.

@NoorShamma

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!

@ninjadinosaur1

I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.

@milifeasdad

Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”

@webofevil

Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.

@Wtftab

I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.

@RealCarrotFacts

Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep