This is amazing.
You Might Also Like
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Everything reminds me of my ex
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless