This is amazing.

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This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.


Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.


The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.


If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.


Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!


I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.


Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”


Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.


I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.


Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep