This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
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Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”