this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
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Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.