this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
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Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.