“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
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Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
My loaf of bread looks terrified
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that