This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
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Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Never let them know your next move 😂
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
you will never know the true number of layers
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table