This is Damn delicious!πππ
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Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and Iβm set!
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
a segment like βcelebrities read mean tweetsβ but instead itβs professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
βI love potatoes in my mouth!!β
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse βright of wayβ with immortality.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….sheβll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebeeβs.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i canβt find a single bottle of ranch in here
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Me: βIt’s important to stay hydratedβ
Coastguard: βNot this important: now grab the ropeβ
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?