This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
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*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel