This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
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Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long