This is funnier than it should be. 馃槀
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Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
I鈥檓 sorry, but I鈥檓 never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the pi帽ata
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she鈥檒l love this
midwife: she won鈥檛
Just pushed my cat鈥檚 paperwork off his desk.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I鈥檝e seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Really successful people don鈥檛 sleep much. I don鈥檛 know why I don鈥檛 sleep much.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats