“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
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[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.