This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
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Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Just this preview of the story is enough
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.