“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
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I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
I saw nothing
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.