This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
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I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving