This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
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Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?