This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
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Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what