This is Huahua. He was told not to chew on the furniture. Which he isn’t. He is chewing under the furniture. 12/10
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Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Trains are just sideway elevators.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.