This is I, Robot all over again
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I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.