This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
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[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening