this is literally a CIA plant
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doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science