This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
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assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself