This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
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#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Put this video in the Louvre
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Challenge accepted.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
me and my fake scenarios
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
I bet