“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
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Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”