This is me 🤣🤣
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During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.