this is me
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My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Not all heroes wear capes.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers