“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
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GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week