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Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.