This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
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If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
brian had himself a morning…
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
The Assassin.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!