*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
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Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Hey I worked for it too!
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.