Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway

People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-

Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered

Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.

The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store

He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts

I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed

Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.

I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined

Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir

My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.

me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me

murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction

[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”

I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.

Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood

Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*

I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.

If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.

I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.

It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.

Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?

Wife: Yes

Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards

Wife:

Me: *crying* I get it now, babe

If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.

It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.

Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.

You are the pebble in my shoe of people.

[on a date]

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”

[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok

My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.

If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash

who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight

[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.

I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.

So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.

The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.

Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.

If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.