This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
You Might Also Like
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Your honor these allegations are
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages