I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
You Might Also Like
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
wife: know what today is?
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..