@SweetBlueNote
@Feenohmenal I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
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@Feenohmenal 
@RdrJay47 You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
@sarcastictroler Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
@foodfacenow *crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
@LeBearGirdle *Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
@Token_Geezer Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
@thedadvocate01 Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
@ArfMeasures ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
@jennasaysquoi “you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
@iwearaonesie wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa