This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
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I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Bro what is this
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
This is my favorite one of these!
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.