This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
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[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses