This is my pinned tweet
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Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.