this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
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me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Order here:
More here:
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.