This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
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that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
do u think theres a butter planet?
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point