This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
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SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
My work here is don’t.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise