This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
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I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic