This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
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Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
This anagram machine is out of order.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?