This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
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[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Investing in beetcoin
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind