mob boss: i need u take out the rat
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
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how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison