@andrewducker

This is now my favourite pie chart ever.

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@IDontSpeakWhine

My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.

@Jeff_Gephart

Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?

@amydillon

H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?

M: Actually…

*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*

M: That was amazing.

@CutCopyPasta

Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*

@amydillon

I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.

@mommajessiec

Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

@mommajessiec

While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.

@jesus

Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.