@andrewducker

This is now my favourite pie chart ever.

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@pilau

mob boss: i need u take out the rat

[later]

rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for

me: yes it was

rat: what

@SaddestFinger

how to fall down a long set of stairs:

step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26

@truegritrumble

JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*

@thecassiecao

before therapy: i hate people

after therapy: i feel good about hating people!

@tommy_charm

The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…

Your spouse 🤷

@Fred_Delicious

How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists

@ArfMeasures

[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed

@HatfieldAnne

Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars

Me: That’d wreck the economy

5: I just-

Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation

@traciebreaux

My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison